Humor

Forgotten Thank You's

Forgotten Thank You's Between work and family, friends and parties,I often forget to thank You for the little blessings in my life.Thank You for giving me my period last month when I was worried it wouldn't come.Thank You for helping me convince my Trig professor that I deserved to pass.Thank...

The Married Couple

The Married Couple A married couple in their early 60’s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.  Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.” The wife answered, “Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.” The...

Drawing the Impossible

Drawing the Impossible A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

Jake's Aching Side

Jake's Aching Side At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Jake seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Jake what is the matter?"

Rosie Knows Her Numbers

Rosie Knows Her Numbers The math teacher saw that Rosie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on her and said, "Rosie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Lions

Lions A young missionary on his first trip to Africa is away from camp having devotions in a quiet clearing, as was his custom. This one particular day, while reading his Bible, a lion comes and lays down right beside him; so close that the hot warm smell of his breath is wafting over him. He is, as you would suppose, exceedingly uneasy. He closes his eyes, praying... but when he opens them he sees another approach from the brush, which proceeds to lie down on the...

Ever Driven a Honda?

Ever Driven a Honda? A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?" "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" "No I haven't." The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?" "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" "No I haven't."

Always There for Me

Always There for Me This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there." "When I got shot, you were by...

Mom

Mom I hadn't recorded a greeting yet on my new answering machine, so when my mother came to visit, I asked her to tape one. "This is Marcia's mother," my machine announced. "Marcia is an only child; she never writes, she never calls. So why not give me a buzz? I'd be happy to talk to you. My number is..."

Future Wife

Future Wife Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful  woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said...

Kill 'em with Kindness

Kill 'em with Kindness The next time some crazy driver cuts me off in traffic,help me to lay off the horn.The next time my boss requires me to come in on my day off,help me to remember it's money in my pocket and avoid the urge to spit in the coffee. The next time my mother tells me I look tired,help remind me...

Reverse Polygamy

Reverse Polygamy A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

Adopted Turtle

Adopted Turtle Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

Miracle Dog

Miracle Dog A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

Eulogy

Eulogy An old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."   {jumi...

911

911 An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher, "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radioed in. "Disregard," he said. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Lemon Drops

Lemon Drops The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar,...

Talented Dog

Talented Dog Tim O'Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water's edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back. Well, Tim...

New Teeth

New Teeth Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago. The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half.

5 Things a Mother Doesn't Want to Hear

5 Things a Mother Doesn't Want to Hear 1. Your lipstick works better than crayons. 2. Does grape juice leave a stain? 3. The principal called...

Calling Doctor Oblivious

Calling Doctor Oblivious A doctor gets a call in the middle of the night from a man who says that he thinks his wife has appendicitis. The doctor replies that this is impossible,  because he removed the wife's appendix 10 years ago. "Have you ever heard of anyone growing a new appendix?" the doctor asks the man.

And God Said...

And God Said... A very religious woman lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on her knees in communion with her Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, she had a well-paying job and a handsome husband, and her children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious woman's job was strenuous and her...

Show and Tell

Show and Tell A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

Beethoven

Beethoven When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate...

Email to a Friend

Email to a Friend Money It can buy you a house, but not a home. It can buy you a bed, but not sleep. It can buy you a clock, but not time. It can buy you a book, ut not knowledge. It can buy you a position, but not respect. It can buy you medicine, but not health.

A Feat of Strength

A Feat of Strength A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

True Love

True Love An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that,...

The Picnic

The Picnic A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the Rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when...

Three-Legged Chicken

Three-Legged Chicken A man was driving along a rural road when he realized he had to make a phone call. He was miles from a pay phone so he decided to stop in at the next farmhouse he found. As he was approaching a house he noticed a three-legged chicken racing along the road. He followed the chicken and clocked it at 45 miles per hour. When the man got to the farmhouse he asked the farmer about the chicken. The farmer replied, "W'all,...

Three Envelopes

Three Envelopes A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve." Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and...

A Heavenly Sign

A Heavenly Sign There was a lady who had a favorite donut shop she would frequent every day.

Going Viral

Going Viral Here's my soul's Status Update:I know the power of words.I've been wounded by an off-hand comment.I've been uplifted by unexpected praise.A bad attitude can be catching.From the sniffles of sarcasm to the contagion of criticism.These days, it's not just birds that "tweet"and you really can "friend" someone you've never...

Four Letter Words

Four Letter Words A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. "I'm okay, but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say?" asked the nurse.

Funny Bone

Funny Bone Fill my day with lightness and laughter.Let a good mood pervade the air.Connect us with comedy, puns, limericks.Take my mind off the tedium of workand the seriousness of life.Let me hear a great fish storyor a haiku...

Softball in Heaven

Softball in Heaven Two ninety-year old women, Joan and Sally, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sally is dying, so Joan comes to visit her. "Sally," says Joan, "You know how we have both played and loved softball all our lives. Sally, you have to do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's softball in heaven?" Sally looks up at Joan from her death bed and says, "Joan, you've been my friend...

Silent Treatment

Silent Treatment Mike and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each other the "silent treatment." But then Mike realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with some pals to go golfing. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, and so lose the "war," he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am."

Ever Rain?

Ever Rain? A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does." "When?" asked the visitor. "Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

Mama's Bible

Mama's Bible Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The 1st said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The 2nd said, "I had a $100,000 theatre built in the house." The 3rd said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600...

Two Priests on Vacation

Two Priests on Vacation Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc. The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs,...

Funeral Procession

Funeral Procession A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman was so...

Scared Little Boy

Scared Little Boy A little boy was afraid of dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. you don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "God is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." The little boy looked at his mother real hard and...

Pork Chops

Pork Chops A woman goes into a meat market and asks the butcher why his pork chops are $.99 a pound, when the guy across the street is selling his for $.89. The butcher says, "Well then, why don't you go over there and buy his?" The customer replies: "He doesn't have any left."

Help Wanted

Help Wanted A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the...

Shipwrecked

Shipwrecked There were two women shipwrecked on an island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!" The second woman was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first woman crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!" The second woman replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."

The Greeting

The Greeting One day, Abe meets Hymie at the mall. “Nice to see you again, Hymie.” he says. “So, is this how my friend greets me?” says Hymie, “Aren’t you going to ask me how I am?”

Spooky Pookie

Spooky Pookie There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 AM on Sundays.

Teacher Arrested

Teacher Arrested We found this funny because of the play on words...   At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the U.S. attorney general said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra...

Lottery

Lottery A woman prays to win the big lottery. ...She doesn’t and wails at God. The next week the jackpot is bigger, and she prays more, but again doesn’t win. Another week passes, the fund has grown still larger. She prays and prays and prays to win. She does not. In her frustration, she cries and exclaims, “God why have you forsaken me! I need that money. Why can’t you help me win?”

Sisters by Choice, Sisters in Spirit

Sisters by Choice, Sisters in Spirit I was talking to Barbara Montiero, a super-sharp top New York literary agent. I’m trying to convince her to represent the new Prayables book, Personal P...

English School

English School Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal and whisky). "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

Frustrated Girlfriend

Frustrated Girlfriend Please help me to not kill my boyfriend.When he leaves the toilet seat up,keep my voice from becoming shrill.When he responds to my conversation in cave man speak,keep my hand from hitting the back of his head.When he smells like a locker room,keep my requests for hygiene civil.When he gives me a gift that's really for him,keep my...

Be Careful

Be Careful As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!" 

Want to be Healed?

Want to be Healed? Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

Aunt Flo

Aunt Flo Every month, like clockwork (we hope),the crimson tide comes calling.Causing pain, bloating, mood swings and cravings,throwing plans for a loop and outlawing white from our wardrobes.It's a curse and a blessing all at once.Please remind me to carry supplies at all timesand to remember its pending arrival when scheduling dates.Until Your holy decree stems the tide,may...

Goat for Dinner

Goat for Dinner A young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."

Where'd God Go?

Where'd God Go? A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old in...

Postcard

Postcard A woman writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen." "Certainly, sir," said the young woman. She wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the woman asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy...

Guard Dog

Guard Dog Sam and George owned a store in the outskirts of San Francisco. It had been burglarized several times in the past year and Sam decided to buy a guard dog. Shopping for one, Sam found himself in Chinatown, at a pet store whose sign boasted, The Best Guard Dogs That Money Will Buy. He entered the store, but much to his disappointment, all the dogs he could see were Pekingese. "Excuse me", Sam said to the manager, "But the sign outside says you...

The Gas Men

The Gas Men Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older...

Greedy Husband

Greedy Husband There once was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all his money and was a real miser. He loved money more than just about anything. One day, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me, because I want to take my money into the afterlife." He forced her to promise with all her heart that she'd obey his wish and put all their money in the casket with...

The Bible According to Kids

The Bible According to Kids - Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.- Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.- The Golden Rule says, do one to others before they do one to you.- He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".- It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to...

A Day at the Zoo

A Day at the Zoo Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week.They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion.The officer hauled them off to security for questioning.

Magic Trick

Magic Trick A cruise ship hired a magician to entertain the passengers. Since the passengers changed every four or five days, the magician was able to perform the same tricks over and over. Unfortunately, the Captain of the ship had a parrot that sat around and watched the magician perform his tricks, over and over. Eventually, the parrot learned how the tricks were done and would interrupt the act. "It's in his sleeve" the parrot would say. "He switched balls." "It's in his pocket." Etc., etc. Naturally, the magician was quite disturbed by the parrot but could do nothing about it, since it...

I Kid You Not

I Kid You Not "Zing with the oy and the hey-o and the nice lady!"  This was my son, quoting a funny line from the latest popular video on YouTube.  "Oh, you discovered Jerry Lewis?" I asked.  He said, "Who's Jerry Lewis?"  I told him it was the comedian he was quoting.  He said, "C'mon, Ma, that was Ray William Johnson." 

Faith in God

Faith in God A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says, "Get in, get in!" The religious man replies, " No I have faith in God. He will grant me a miracle." Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in God and God will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down...

Chosen Profession

Chosen Profession After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

Whiskey

Whiskey An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

If God Texted the 10 Commandments

If God Texted the 10 Commandments (1.) no1 b4 me. srsly.(2.) dnt wrshp pix/idols(3.) no OMGs.(4.) no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)(5.) pos ok – ur m&d r cool(6.) dnt kill ppl(7.) :-X only w/ m8(8.) dnt steal(9.) dnt l...

Homework Blues

Homework Blues I have four tests this week I haven't studied for.I've been terrible about going to class altogether.I'm not always the smartest kid,and I approach procrastination like it's my career.As I saunter up to this daunting mountain of classwork,Give me an energy jolt, similar to an Adderall.Help me to focus and absorb this...

Ski Trip

Ski Trip A woman went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. She called her insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover her injury. "Why is the injury not covered?" he asked. "You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre- existing...

Sol Goes Golfing

Sol Goes Golfing Sol walks into his Rabbi's office and plunks down into a chair. He lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What's bothering you, Sol?" asked the Rabbi. Sol sighed, "I went to play golf with my brother. I had very bad thoughts today!" The Rabbi said, "Tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of...

Be Careful What You Wish For

Be Careful What You Wish For Two women died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry ladies, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be." "Great!" said the first woman, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!" "No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The woman was gone. "And what do you want to be?" St. Peter asked the other...

Be Quiet or Else

Be Quiet Or Else Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

The Best Way to Pray

The Best Way to Pray A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."