Blogs - Chief of Pray Blog

What is it About Mother-Daughter Relationships?

I was having a lovely ladies lunch.  It was when I was working as a fundraiser for Bread for the World.  When you’re asking people for money, they’ll often take you out for the nicest meals. Maybe it’s easier to say no on a full stomach. Carol took me to Atwood Café . The development officer’s job is to build relationships with the donors. It’s easy to become friends and to slip into conversations that have nothing to do with the cause.

On that fall afternoon, Carol was telling me how she came to live in Chicago and how wonderful it was to live so far away from her mother. She slipped it into a statement about her job and Michigan Avenue shopping in a perfectly natural way. I had to ask, “Don’t you like your mother?” That was the opener for a lengthy chat about the dark side of mother-daughter relationships. Up until that afternoon, I never realized that there are real women who really don’t like their mothers. Carol was equally surprised that I sincerely liked mine.

I had to wonder, are there two types of people, those who like their moms and those who don’t? I can’t think of anyone I know who dislikes their mother. Sure, some of my friend’s are occasionally, or even frequently, annoyed with their moms, but no one I know has ever told me they feel the same way as Carol. Do the likers and the dis-likers hang out together? Are there clusters of girlfriends sitting around right now dissing their moms in perfect harmony?

I spoke to a teenager the other day. That doesn’t happen too often. My exposure to anyone between the ages of 12-19 is limited. I was introduced to Jordan, a very nice young girl from my synagogue. I know her mother, Julie Webb, and that’s what I said. “Oh, you’re Julie’s daughter. I know her. You have the best mom, she is an amazing person.”  That’s when Jordan told me about having a similar experience to my Carol encounter. She is shocked when she meets other kids who don’t understand how she can like her mom so much.  What a shame. I know there must be some completely unlikeable women and unlikeable daughters who can’t stand each other. Darlene Ouimet is one expert on the subject and counsels women through her website, but I’m glad I don’t know too many. I can only pray that women are good to their daughters and their daughters return the favor.

A few words of Mom's wisdom,
some adhered to and some ignored:

Never let a phone go unanswered.
Don't wear white after Labor Day.
Keep your figure.
Make enough food.
No foil pans on a buffet table.
We don't fight in this family, drop it.

My Mom is the reason I am me.
From her, I have learned to spend time
with uncles and in-laws, lending a hand.
My Mom has taught me to be a good wife,
putting my husband first and making his needs, mine.
My Mom is my partner in raising my children,
a job that doesn't end,
and caring for my grandchildren.

You, who have allowed me
to enjoy every single day with my mother:
Grant her good health, a mind free from worry
and an always loving heart.

May I continue to be the recipient
of her advice, admiration, and stories shared.
Be with my Mother, who cries my tears and lives my joy.
With Your grace, we will be together,
enjoying every single day, for many days to come.

-Rachel Lee