Blogs - Chief of Pray Blog

Top Two Reasons Couples Fight

What do couples fight about? Most would answer: money and sex. If you’re in a blended family, you might say there’s too much time spent fighting about the bad habits of the other one’s children. One may also suggest that a major sticking point is when one partner works too much… or not enough, but according to a recent study at Baylor University, it’s myth to believe that couples fight over any of these things. There are only two real reasons a couple fight: one feels either neglected or controlled.

Haven’t we all been there? Whether it’s in a relationship with a significant other, a best friend, or with someone at work, it sucks to feel powerless or left out. My first job after I left college was working in the pro shop at a country club in Coral Springs, Florida. It was owned by a husband and wife who both worked in the business. You get to know people really well when you spend 8 hours a day with them, 5 days a week. Ron and Sherry fought— a lot. That was new to me. The only couple I observed closely was my mom and dad. They never raised a voice to each other. At work though, every day was a new drama. Even though I was just a know-nothing kid, it was obvious they weren’t fighting over the new club grips or a bad day at the register. They were fighting because Ron wanted Sherry to act a certain way, and be the kind of person she could never be.

I see it all around me. My manicurist was fuming because her husband didn’t drape the top of the garbage bag properly over the can. The guy on the bus was complaining to his buddy about how “his lady shoulda known that he likes her with long hair and the bitch cut it.” The temptation to control the people around us is very strong. And neglect is even worse.

Our lives are filled with complicated problems that have no easy solutions. We have real disagreements that lead to heated discussions. So why try to control or neglect our partner during those times when we need them most?

Sure couples fight about not enough money and too much sex. And it’s true, there’s a whole lot of anger over snotty step-kids and long days at the office, but we must stop to ask ourselves, “Am I giving my partner a say in this situation? Am I really paying attention?”  Trust in the ability of others to make good choices on their own. Show you care. Trust God to help you see, the wisdom and beauty in your partner, which makes them special.

Raging Heart

I feel my anger overpowering me.
I have lost my sense of balance
my sense of control
my sense of security.
Now I stumble my way to You and ask You,
lay a calming hand over my raging heart.
Give me the wisdom to see my righteous anger
as an alert to danger,
so that I can respond by caring for myself.
Help me resist the desire to treat my anger as a weapon,
so that I will not perpetuate hurt
by responding with aggression.
And please teach me grace,
so that I may know peace by learning to forgive.

-Abigail Wurdeman