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It's All About Me

Confession time ladies. I stand before you all today (metaphorically, of course), and I admit it. I am self-centered. Horribly, terribly, embarrassingly self-centered.

I am capable of caring about others' lives. I am also decent at putting things into perspective, at recognizing—at least cognitively—that most things are not about me and that others generally do not suffer a wild need to know what I had for lunch and how I felt about the fact that there was no episode of 30 Rock last week.

I know that in the grand scheme of things, I am one little speck on a tiny speck in a ginormous universe. And yet, when my mom calls, I think I'm the most fascinating and important person in the universe. It's an hour of my thoughts and insights, my hopes and fears, and the obligatory rant about how ready I am to move forward in my career.

Then there's the pile of charity options shoved into a filing shelf beside my desk. Someday, someday, I'll go through them and figure out which is most deserving of my itty-bitty donation. But for now, I must stop by Hulu to catch up on my Thursday night shows.

Oh, and the unused greeting cards! I have an entire box in my closet—a box that represents a million moments spent in the card section, picking up a card and saying, "This will be perfect to brighten a friend's day 'just because.'" I'm pretty sure the road to Hades is paved with those greeting cards. Heaven knows there are plenty of them.

I look at my life, with the calls I take too long to return and the volunteer work I dream of doing just as soon as it becomes convenient, and I remind myself again and again that—unfortunately for those around me—I am a spiritual work in progress, and my greatest project right now is learning how to shut off the "me, me, me" section of my brain.

Right now I'm in the early stages; the part where I hit my knees and praise God for His patience to guide and re-guide a highly distractible pupil whose focus can shift from spiritual to worldly at the slightest remembrance of personal interests.

Now, I don't believe in unnecessary martyrdom. I believe that I have a responsibility to myself and my God to care for myself and be aware of who I am. But I would love to learn to be more aware of the much bigger world around me... to not just know that I a small piece of a larger machine, but to live like I know it. So I'll keep going back to Him, keep praying and meditating, keep holding out my hand and asking for guidance.

And one day, maybe one day, I'll send someone a greeting card, just because I thought of them first.

Balance Of Love

I know You designed me for this—
To be self-aware,
self-soothing, self-knowledgable.
Like all of Your cleverly-crafted creatures,
I am designed to protect and sustain myself.

But please help me get this thing under control.

I'm losing command of this mechanism,
swinging dangerously close to self-everything,
losing contact with
mindful
and attentive
and generous.

Guide me back to the center.
Show me the balance
between the love I owe myself
and the love I am privileged to give,
the part of me that holds kindness
and the part of me that shares it... 

The part of me that seeks You
and the part of me that reflects You.

-Abi Wurdeman

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