I went to a new doctor recently and was delighted to find a health care professional with a fresh perspective on all the things I have been struggling with. Here’s a recap of the visit.
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Don’t waste time on exercise. Everything will wear out eventually. Speeding up your heart does not make you live longer; it’s like saying you extend the life of a car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine is made from fruit. The fruit is very good. Brandy is distilled wine, which means they take water out of fruity bits, so you get even more goodness that way. Beer is also made of grain. The grain is good too. – Bottoms up!
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain… terrific!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food is fried in vegetable oil. How is getting more vegetables bad?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It’s the best feel-good food around.
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain the whale to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is also a shape!
The doctor summed it up: “Look, life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather, skid in sideways – wine in one hand, chocolate cake in the other, with a body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO-HOO, what a ride my life was!’ He added, “Eat whatever you like because you will still, eventually die, don’t allow motivational speakers and book authors to deceive you.”
My new doctor is obviously a genius. He cleared up any misconceptions I may have had about diet, exercise, and well-being.
As I got up to leave his office, the wise doctor shared a few facts I had never known before.
The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54. The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57. A world-class bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41. The best footballer in the world died at the age of 60.
But, the inventor of Kentucky Fried Chicken died at 94. the inventor of Nutella brand hazelnut spreadable chocolate died at the age of 88. Cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102. The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake. Hennessey Cognac, the inventor, died at 98.
And he asked me, “How did so many longevity specialists, gurus, and hypesters conclude that exercise prolongs life?”
“After all,” he explained, “the rabbit is always jumping up and down, but it lives for only 2 years and the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all lives 400 years.”
My doctor left me with these surprisingly comforting parting words, “Take some rest, chill out, stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life – you will still die, no matter what.”
For some odd reason, the good doctor’s advice seems to fit me just fine!